Thursday, April 28, 2011

why adoption?

going on a bit of a tangent this time.  a few things have happened in the last month or so that have really struck a sour note and i'd like to set the record straight.

when people find out that my husband and i have three adopted children the almost automatic response is, "wow ... that is so good of you to be willing to adopt." 

why?  why is that people's response?

first of all, what does it say about the children that we have adopted?  what is wrong with them that makes us so good to be willing to adopt them?  nothing is the answer.  they are just children -- and children deserve parents .... it's that simple.

second of all, what does it say about us as adults?  that we are settling for second best by adopting? oh good grief .... get over it please.  just because we don't have a family made "the old fashioned way" does that make of less value?  no is the answer.

i don't ovulate.  just don't.  call it secondary infertility, call it what you want.  but we knew that if we were going to have a family that this was the route we were meant to take.  and lets take it back even further.  as a single, young adult who had no idea that i had fertility issues, i knew then, after living in the Philippines as a short term missionary, that my family would be made of children adopted from the Philippines.

IVF was not the option for us.  some people choose that .... and that's fine .... i'm not judging that.  we all have to be comfortable with the way that our families are made.  for us, IVF never even made it into the equation for consideration.

what i do take issue with is the assumption that we would have PREFERRED to have had kids biologically.  that somehow because we couldn't have children in the "home grown" way that we are settling for second best.  NO .... NO ..... NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i meet so many people who won't even consider adoption.  i agree that you have to get your heart into a certain mindset ... be ready for the journey .... and if you've lost a child through the tragedy of a miscarriage or other scenario then yes .... you have to grieve before you can move on.

but adoption is just a different way of making a family.  some families are single parent families, some families are blended families, some families have grandparents as primary caregivers.  ours just happens to be adoption .... it's different .... not better not less valuable than another .... just different.

someone had the audacity to say to me a month or so ago that you can't get what it means to bond with a child if you don't go through the agony of child birth.  oh bunk!  that is such a crock.  truly!  you find ways to bond .... experiences are what bond you .... and at the end of the day ... that child is craving love ... to be accepted and have a mum and a dad.  you can bond.  we certainly have! 

ah ... i hear the doubts .... but it hasn't always been easy, has it?  of course not .... and you tell me that raising your kids has always been wonderful!  we all have the journey to make as parents .... it's just different.  all families have issues and pitfalls .... adoption is no different, and i am sick of people thinking anything else.

if you have lost a child, or if you think you are too old to have a child.  i challenge you to consider adoption.  it is a valid, wonderful way of forming a family or adding to your family.  it is certainly the path less chosen .... but a beautiful journey it is!  of this, i can assure you. 

so please, all i am asking is that you don't consider my children to be second best.  they are not.   but when you think to yourself, "surely you would've preferred to have had biological children?"  you are actually saying, "you've settled for second best .... you poor thing."  and i get angry at that.

we are blessed to have these children in our lives.  they are an amazing gift to us in the exact same way that biologically born children are.  how they came to us may be different .... but the need that they fulfill in our lives is exactly the same as yours.  we are the lucky ones .... we are so grateful to our Father in heaven for these pearls of joy in our lives.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
Psalm 119:14-16


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