Sunday, April 24, 2011

a special kinship

i have to admit a sadness in my heart over one aspect of my relationship with my children.  it is that i will never be able to really understand the path they have to walk ... the loss, the grief and the choice to overcome.  i can certainly get informed and support them ... and hold their hands as they walk the path ... giving them encouragement and affirmation of our love for them -- but understand?  no.  i am forced to acknowledge that there is a deeper place where i cannot understand their needs.

so our adopted kids have these huge holes in their lives that we can't fill.  as a parent i find that exasperating!  shouldn't i be able to provide for all their needs?  to show them that they are loved and accepted by their parents, and even a heavenly Father who cares for them so?  no ... i must recognise that in this i cannot meet their needs.

enter stage left:  a special kind of friend. friends who provide a different perspective. 

Lea sharing her special
drawing and pics.
we have been blessed with a number of friends who are adult adoptees.  and not just adult adoptees .... but ones who have engaged and owned their histories and in some cases, have re-established relationships with their birth families, or families of origin.  they can answer questions for our kids and provide a place of understanding and knowledge that i just can't. 

i thank God for these friends in our lives.  for us as parents they provide feedback and insight from a perspective that makes all the difference in the world in how i engage with some of our kids issues.  for our kids because they can see an adult, who is like them!  they are adopted and get what those holes are in their lives.  how precious!

i do think our kids are on the young side of understanding and appreciating the blessing that these relationships are.  but that's ok.  it's all about building a foundation.  these relationships, in some form or another, will provide a grounding for our kids.  and when they are older they will have a sense of comfort with these friends and probably dump painful stuff on them because they have a safe relationship with them already.  and our daughter, even at 8, lights up when she sees these special friends because she gets that they are "like her".

i imagine i'll be jealous as these relationships continue to develop.  wanting to be able to provide the answers myself rather than pushing them towards people who i know "get it."  but .... i would rather push them to people i know, love and respect for their answers than having them go out the door and face the darkness of their inner demons alone.  so, yes .... i'll be jealous.  but i'll get over it .... because i love my kids too much to not want them to have these relationships.

these special kinship
relationships start early!
so when my daughter takes her pictures from her birth mother and her drawings of her time with her birth mother to our friends house and hounds her until she sits on the couch and talks to her about all of it .... i will smile.  when i get a skype call from my best mate and "ningang"... and the kids clammer over who is gonna say what or show what they've been doing at school .... i'll let them .... because i know that these experiences with these friends will build a foundation for a future relationship where they can talk and be understood.
its a special kinship. it's the unspoken knowledge in our children's hearts that they are understood in a very special way.

1 comment:

  1. oh Maggie, my dear friend, I am overcome with emotion at this post - it is my pleasure to be one of the adult adoptees that has the privilege of walking part of the journey with your beautiful children - I pray that each of them continues to know how loved they are by their Heavenly Father, you and Scott.