Tuesday, November 8, 2011

"that" subject

so i was sitting with my daughter reading her devotions last night.  and the jist of it was the story of a girl who had lost her father and looking to God as her heavenly Father.  all really good stuff.

and then, because my gorgeous girl is at that very inquisitive almost nine year old phase started talking about "that" subject ....

.... her birth dad.

lots of families get information about birth families.  and generally, at least in the Philippines, you tend to get more about the birth mum.  the birth dad is often nebulous or even non-existant.  i know of one family where the birth dad is a known quantity and a positive thing.  but for the most part it's quite negative.

and it got me to thinking about how do you tell the story of the birth dad if they aren't around?  we get told in seminars and by our social workers that you can develop a positive story about the birth mum .... even if it is as basic as she loved you because she knew she couldn't provide for you so gave you to someone who would care for you .... and that is a big love.

but i think, well, at least for me, birth dads are a different issue.  for both my daughter and my boys, the birth dad is not around.  so when my little girl asks about him, finding that age appropriate information is hard. and should it be positive when it is not?

when my girl was four ... he never came up.
when she was six ... she wanted to know if she had a birth dad
when she was eight ... she wanted to know what his name was.

easy .... i can handle that!

and at the cusp of turning nine ... she wants to know why her birth mum and dad
aren't together because next time we go back it would be nice to meet him.


sweetie, he wasn't a nice man and your birth mum needed to be safe and left him.

i feel fine about that as an answer.  it is age appropriate and something she can understand at a basic level.  and it didn't phase her too much, which is exactly how you want it.  i know there will be more discussions and more information .... but later, much later ... when it is emotionally appropriate for the age they are at.

as our kids start to get to those intellectually inquisitive years, the bonding and need for affirmation of our place in their lives is so important.  i am more aware of that now than ever because they are aware of so much more.  i think we are fooling ourselves if we think it doesn't matter.  as our kids learn the stories of how they came to be adopted ... and all the information that goes with that.  as parents we have to be rocks for them of stability and love.

No one can lay any foundation other than the one already laid, 
which is Jesus Christ.     1 Corinthians 3:11

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