fearfully and wonderfully made?

as is fairly normal for me .... i just share what is going on in my heart.  i don't have all the answers, but hope that along the journey all of us find support and encouragement in the path we walk as adoptive parents.  

it is with that in mind that i offer this topic for discussion.  not having an answer .... but just wrestling with the issue at hand.  this is one of those posts that sits very uncomfortably.  i admit .... it does with me!

i believe in the Bible.  i believe that it speaks to us in a way that nothing else can about the truths of life.  but when it comes to adoptive parenting .... how do i deal with the following passage?

Psalm 139:13-18

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
   your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place,
   when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
   before one of them came to be. How precious to me are your thoughts, God!
How vast is the sum of them!
Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand—
   when I awake, I am still with you.

for me, as a christian i find great comfort and reassurance in these verses.  for both myself and my kids.  to be able to rest in the fact that God knows us that well .... that He formed us, down to every hair on our heads.  wow.  i even have this passage as part of a quilt i have done for my daughter.  

and yet, i know in my heart that this passage also is a HUGE challenge.  how can i accept that my child's life, being ripped from their birth family (in whatever context that took, they were ripped from their birth family), being shipped off to a foreign country is what God ordained?  does that really make sense?  

... surely staying in their birth families would have been best for them

... surely living a life where they are "different" to their parents will only instill a sense of isolation

... surely not being in the culture that they were born to isn't right for them

i struggle with this.  where is the balance?  and sometimes ... .the guilt i feel over being so glad that their birth parents relinquished them .... because now we are a family.  is my gain ok in light of their loss?  i acknowledge that it would be the ideal for them to have stayed in their birth families .... but then they would never have been in our lives .... and it makes my heart choke to think of these children not being in my life.  how could they not be ours?

why did God do this?  why did He allow this to be their path in life?  why should a little life have to deal with so much of this pain and loss?  and what about when they are teenagers?  when they question so much of life anyway .... this will just add so much for them to have to process.  it really tugs at a mothers heart.  what if they reject everything?  turn their back on all that we have tried to do for them? 

but i need to take a step back and remember that someone who has been diagnosed with a terminal illness, has lost a child ... feels the same pain .... trying to acknowledge that God is the Author and Finisher of our Faith .... unable to comprehend the logic in it all.  but .... BUT recognizing that His ways are higher than ours and that we are a thread in the tapestry of life that He has woven .... he colours us the way He chooses ... to best fit the BIG picture -- i can find comfort and peace in that. 

in the meantime, i must do what i can to acknowledge my children's birth right.  their heritage ... their innate right and calling to be "pinoy".  to ensure that their lives are as full as possible of the things that they can look at and say, "hey ... guess what?  that's me and that's cool! it's how God made me!"  knowing that at times they will doubt .... and question and shake a fist at God.  but if i paint a foundation now that nurtures a trust in His way ... i can rest a bit easier.

i am gonna have a lot of questions of God when it comes time to hit eternity.  and you know what?  God can handle them.  THIS is truth!

our kids .... yep .... fearfully and wonderfully made!