"that" subject

so i was sitting with my daughter reading her devotions last night.  and the jist of it was the story of a girl who had lost her father and looking to God as her heavenly Father.  all really good stuff.

and then, because my gorgeous girl is at that very inquisitive almost nine year old phase started talking about "that" subject ....

.... her birth dad.

lots of families get information about birth families.  and generally, at least in the Philippines, you tend to get more about the birth mum.  the birth dad is often nebulous or even non-existant.  i know of one family where the birth dad is a known quantity and a positive thing.  but for the most part it's quite negative.

and it got me to thinking about how do you tell the story of the birth dad if they aren't around?  we get told in seminars and by our social workers that you can develop a positive story about the birth mum .... even if it is as basic as she loved you because she knew she couldn't provide for you so gave you to someone who would care for you .... and that is a big love.

but i think, well, at least for me, birth dads are a different issue.  for both my daughter and my boys, the birth dad is not around.  so when my little girl asks about him, finding that age appropriate information is hard. and should it be positive when it is not?

when my girl was four ... he never came up.

when she was six ... she wanted to know if she had a birth dad

when she was eight ... she wanted to know what his name was.

easy .... i can handle that!

and at the cusp of turning nine ... she wants to know why her birth mum and dad
aren't together because next time we go back it would be nice to meet him.

<sigh>

sweetie, he wasn't a nice man and your birth mum needed to be safe and left him.

i feel fine about that as an answer.  it is age appropriate and something she can understand at a basic level.  and it didn't phase her too much, which is exactly how you want it.  i know there will be more discussions and more information .... but later, much later ... when it is emotionally appropriate for the age they are at.

as our kids start to get to those intellectually inquisitive years, the bonding and need for affirmation of our place in their lives is so important.  i am more aware of that now than ever because they are aware of so much more.  i think we are fooling ourselves if we think it doesn't matter.  as our kids learn the stories of how they came to be adopted ... and all the information that goes with that.  as parents we have to be rocks for them of stability and love.

No one can lay any foundation other than the one already laid, 

which is Jesus Christ.     1 Corinthians 3:11

those little reminders ..

so the move has been pretty rough on all of us.

but it feels like we are starting to get to the other side of it.  hubby is loving the challenge of his job and the kids are enjoying school.

perhaps things might start normalising?  right?  you would think so.

and then the little reminders happen.

waking up early .... and coming in to see you before 6:00 with a craft project they've obviously been working on for a while.  fingernails being chewed to the quick.  temper tantrums that harken back to the early days of coming home.  all these things that remind you that perhaps they aren't as settled as you had thot.

and then the brick drops.  my precious can't find me and when they do the first words out of their mouths are, "where did you go?  i thot you had left me!"

it is easy to forget that no matter what they say or do .... our adopted children have an underlying theme of grief and loss in their lives.  we can't hide it, we can't pretend it's not there.  it is path that we have to gently walk each day to build a strong foundation of stability and trust in their lives.  some days are tough, some days are easy.  finding that balance in pushing them forward vs letting them use the loss as an excuse not to work through things is not always an easy road to walk.  but it is ours and we happily chose it

so this is a day, a moment and a time where treading gently and carefully in the lives of my children is very important.  to reinforce to them that they are loved and treasured just the way they are.   

i reckon it's time to take my shoes off and walk in some clover.